My sheets look like a crime scene.
OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
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