Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
