its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
