i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Randomize
