I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
