I think i sorta joined a cult last night
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
