is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
