im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Randomize
