when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
