oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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