Hilbilly word of the day is cedar, example....I knowed she ain\'t got no panties on cuz I cedar cooter.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
