Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Randomize
