I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Randomize
