Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
