I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
