they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize