Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Randomize
