I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
