is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
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