That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
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