i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I need to sanitize my soul.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
