best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
