my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
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