But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
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