In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
