I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
Randomize
