I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
