her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
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