Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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