She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Are we still banned from the library?
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize