maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
