After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
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