when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
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