farters have to be the big spoon...
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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