i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
Randomize
