The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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