Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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