Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Randomize
