She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
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