I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
It's never too late to be topless.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
