I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize