He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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