so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Randomize
