i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
