Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Randomize
