I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
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