so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
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