my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
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