my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
