I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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