he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Damn victory sex feels great
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
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