Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Randomize
