I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
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