DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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