Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
