You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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