Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
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