4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize